I am a 29 year-old stay at home mom, a part time work-at-home mom and a part time working mother. There isn't really a label that fits me at the moment..besides Mom. That is a new label for me. I watch my friends children after school, usually in her home. I pick up her son from after-school activities twice a week. I will also be running my part of a virtual book signing from home starting in the next few weeks. That is the WAHM part. I also work Saturdays at a bookstore that i Used to work full-time at as the manager. That is my working mother part. I can do that because my husband does not work on saturdays and he can stay home with my 3 month old son. Besides saturdays, i stay home all day with my baby.

I would never have thought so before experiencing it myself..but this is the hardest job i've ever had. And i have worked in alot of different areas. I was a secretary in a veterinary clinic, i worked in a factory (ugh), I've worked retail for many years (and dont tell me that is easy, you try being a shiney bright person when someone is calling you a devil worshiping murderer because the shop you work in sells D&D merchandise. Or work black friday..just once), i've been a librarian (talk about silly politics) and i've worked in a domestic violence shelter as an advocate, doing intakes and answering the crisis line. I dont need to justify the stress level on that one. With all those different job i have never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted as i am after one full day at home with my son.

I think it is because this is so Personal. If i failed to please a customer at say, the bookstore i worked at, i could caulk it up to them being impossible - either not giving me all the information i needed or just being difficult to please. If i couldn't help someone at the shelter it was usually because they weren't ready to be helped. I had no personal stake in their happiness. But when my son Gryphon cries...it kills me. I've never in my life worked so hard to make someone else happy.

I used to freely admit i was selfish and self centered. I was proud of it. I never wanted to be stuck in the trap of making myself lesser or unhappy because i was so worried about Other people. I never felt it was my job to fix or run their lives. I've always felt the only person that can make you happy..is You.

It's doesn't work that way with babies. My baby cant even take a nap without my help yet. I probably screwed up there. I am pretty sure he was colicy the first 6 weeks and we tried and tried to find ways to make him calm down and sleep. I know they say to put your baby down drowsey so they learn to put themselves to sleep. Well that did NOT work with Gryphon in the first few weeks. He cried and cried and cried. From 5 pm til 10-12 every single night. Just Screamed. The only time he was quiet was when i'd nurse him...but as soon as he was done he'd start crying again.

I would get home at 6 pm from watching my friend C's children. Gryphon had been screaming the whole way home in his car seat and usually for almost an hour before i left their house. I would practically toss the baby at my husband and go hide til the next feeding. Sometimes i think he could sense my hesitation and awkwardness. I didnt even know how to hold him in the beginning. I wonder if he could tell i didnt know what i was doing and if it stressed him out? At some point, probably around 5 weeks something changed. In me. Instead of hiding when the screaming started, I wanted to go to him. I no longer felt...trapped..by the constant need for breastfeeding and his crying didn't make me want to pull my hair out anymore. Not that i didnt want to go to him before. I just didnt feel like i was effective. I'd tell myself when my husband took the baby downstairs so i could have an hour to myself that i didnt need to go down there when he started crying. I'd keep telling myself that as i watched myself walk down the stairs to find them.

We learned that he needed to be swaddled if we wanted him to stay asleep. Then we learned that holding him and bouncing lightly on the edge of the bed would put him to sleep. I found this out on accident. He was screaming and screaming and i just held onto him tightly and bounced. He quieted down...so uh yea..i kept doing it! Eventually he fell asleep! Omg! Daddy! get the swaddle blanket! Ha! We rented the happiest baby on the block dvd from netflix. That helped also. The side thing didn't do so much but the swaddling techniques and the shushing and swinging had pretty good successes. Not that he'd let us put him in the actual swing..we had to do that outselves.

Things are better now. Every parent can be trained..eventually ;)